Before this film's theatrical release in March 2001, it would have seemed to be a risky move for successful producer Joel Silver to place Steven Seagal in the lead of his latest, high-octane picture. After all, ever since the actor's 1992 hit film "Under Siege" made somewhere in the ballpark of $83 million at the domestic box office, the returns of films where he was the main star have steadily gone from okay (1994's "On Deadly Ground" made $38 million) to mediocre (1995's "Under Siege 2" brought in $23 million) to poor with only $16 million collected for 1997's "Fire Down Below."
His last major film, 1998's "The Patriot" (not to be confused with Mel Gibson's 2000 film of the same name) wasn't even released in theaters in the U.S. I'm not trying to pick on Mr. Seagal with such comments - I'm sure he's a fine human being and all if one overlooks his inability to act - but instead I'm just pointing out that "Exit Wounds" must have been one risky investment.
That's not only because of Seagal's track record, but also because this film is a run of the mill urban action flick. It may offer enough loud mayhem and onscreen activity to prevent a good, ninety-some minute nap, but it's otherwise just another redundant and mediocre film that steadily gets worse the further along it progresses. Thus, its domestic box office take of more than $51 million was quite a shock to most in the industry.
That said, and since director Andrzej Bartkowiak ("Romeo Must Die") and screenwriters Ed Horowitz ("On Deadly Ground") and Richard D'Ovidio (marking his feature debut) obviously didn't care to put much effort into making any sort of original or interesting film from author John Westermann's source novel, I've decided to point out a few things that future investors should consider and/or demand when thinking about investing in a film like this:
*First, see if the film stars Steven Seagal. That's usually enough said, but if necessary add some quick edits and other camera tricks to make the 50-year-old star's martial arts and fighting scenes seem even more "exciting" and authentic." Also, check and see if he's scheduled to play a steely, loner cop who uncovers corruption and seems to live for breaking the rules and irritating his commanding officers in a "Go ahead, make my day" approach. That will be a refreshing change from most cop pictures.
*Of course, such a character should be mad and irritated if he's been punished for having the audacity to save the Vice President's life. What was he thinking? Anyway, if that happens, make sure to have the character sent to the worst precinct in the city where he'll obviously have little chance of getting into additional trouble and/or further irritating his bosses.
*Speaking of which, be sure to give the main character an impossibly beautiful captain, but make sure that after he confuses her for the secretary and insults her by mistake, that there's a little bit of sexual tension between them. While you're at it and continuing that completely original mistaken identity thread, make sure that the hero busts some criminals only to discover that one of the perps is actually an undercover cop. No one will see that coming.
*If a character can down a helicopter with a few shots from his handgun or take out a horde of bad guys with the same when a bunch of highly trained Secret Service agents can't manage to do anything but be shot, you might need to add some more bad guys and additional firepower and hardware.
*However, if there's a rap soundtrack, a rap star turned actor, and at least one scene set in strip club with topless dancers, that will distract the potential viewers and give the film an edgy and raw feel rarely seen in movies. Oh, don't forget to have a scene where the bodybuilding contestants from the Mr. Universe contest - oops, I mean the other cops - show how macho they are by inflicting masochistic pain on themselves while shirtless. That will impress viewers with how tough they are and will make them understand why the hero needs to hit them 28 times over the head - rather than the usual 20 - to make them blink.
*Speaking of which, make sure there's one of those human bodies that the hero can use as a shield against a hail of machine gun fire. I'm not sure how they prevent those bullets from passing by or through them to hit the protagonist, but it must be some sort of magnetic trick similar to the one employed by those cars and trucks that can be riddled by similar fire until they look like Swiss cheese, but nevertheless manage to protect those inside. Side note: Make sure to order one for yourself - the car, not the body (they're too heavy to carry around everywhere).
*Check and make sure that the ratio of stunt choreographers and performers to screenwriters is at least 250 to 1. After all, those writers think they're so important when we know that all the viewer really wants to see is outrageous action and fighting, and not any of that stupid plot or character development.
* Finally, make sure that some of the characters that initially appear good are actually bad, and then take that even further by doing the same with some of the bad guys. That will knock the viewer's socks off, since we all know that all movie cops and villains have always remained true to their initial characteristics and no one will be expecting such a switcheroo.
If you do see this, you may just comment on how the younger performers such as DMX ("Romeo Must Die," "Belly"), Isaiah Washington ("Romeo Must Die," "True Crime") and Michael Jai White ("Spawn," "Universal Soldier: The Return") make Mr. Seagal seem a bit stiff and limited in expressive range, or that Tom Arnold ("True Lies," "Nine Months") and Anthony Anderson ("See Spot Run," "Me, Myself and Irene") are really only funny during the an end credits sequence that obviously seems improvised rather than scripted (see above notes about screenwriters).
Overall, the exit wounds that this picture will produce are likely to be from VCRs and DVD players not being able to take all of the mayhem and inanity and thus flinging their tapes and discs across the room at viewers who subjected them to it. You've been forewarned - now duck.
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