If ever a film should come with the warning to make sure you turn off your brain before leaving home for the theater (or better yet, after you get there and are sure you got the correct change from the guy at the concession stand), this is it. Coming from a well-known lineage of slickly produced, testosterone-filled films such as "Con Air," "The Rock," and "Crimson Tide," this film makes those -- and all of the others from famed action producer Jerry Bruckheimer -- seem like carefully thought out, intelligent, and above all, extremely realistic pieces of cinema.
While we've grown accustomed to our action heroes taking a beating from the villains that would kill even the most toughened boxers, and have always known that "suspension of disbelief" is the key to enjoying these films, this latest release takes that ludicrousness to such a far off level that it nearly becomes impossible to sit back and enjoy the stupid, revved up fun.
Now, to be fair, the film makes absolutely no pretense that it's going to follow any sort of realism right from the start. The characters are all goofy stereotypes, and when the one played by Bruce Willis chases his daughter's lover (Ben Affleck) around an oil rig repeatedly shooting a gun at him (blowing out windows, putting holes in vital pieces of machinery), we know we're in for a stupid ride.
In such movies I'm usually ready to accept that realistic expectations will be strained at best, yet I've still managed to enjoy the stupid and heavy testosterone-laced antics that Bruckheimer films -- such as "Con Air" -- so "perfectly" deliver. It's just that this film has to add the whole element of blasting off into outer space (an important piece since that's where the plot's going to take us) and the moment that happens any last, tiny semblance of realism completely evaporates faster than you can say "summer action film."
Stealing, borrowing, and lifting elements from far superior films such as "The Dirty Dozen" and "The Abyss," and closely paralleling this summer's earlier "Big Rock's Gonna Destroy Earth" movie, "Deep Impact" (another extremely realistic movie -- remember everyone outrunning the tidal wave?), the plot sends a ragtag team of misfits and ex-cons into outer space to save the world.
Yeah, right. We're supposed to believe that it would be easier to train these grease monkeys how to be astronauts in less than three weeks instead of showing astronauts how to become deep core drillers? In "Abyss" and "Dozen" there were perfectly sound reasons for the teams chosen to execute their specific plan and those plots worked. Here's it just a screenwriting device (concocted by one or more of the many credited and uncredited scribes who worked on this picture) that's so stupendously ridiculous it's almost surreal.
Once in outer space, the film then throws any semblance of scientific knowledge out the window (especially concerning gravity in many scenes) and most likely will make NASA second guess their participation in the film, particularly after Willis and his crew constantly belittle the workers and their efforts, and by stating that if not for them, the world wouldn't have a chance. That is, unless they had those massive rotary machine guns that must have been added to those OUTER SPACE vehicles after watching one too many "Alien" movies.
Of course, the film's set to promote gung ho American patriotism, and we get to see lots of slow motion shots of our "astronauts" striding toward the shuttle (a la "The Right Stuff"), and of little kids, old folks, and people all around the world being proud of "our boys" who are going to save everyone.
What the film's really about, however, is delivering a visceral assault on your senses with as much revved up, in your face action as possible. If you can manage to squeeze in a lobotomy before seeing it, the film does mostly succeed in regards to that. Several sequences are quite effectively fun and exhilarating, something director Michael Bay honed in pictures such as "Bad Boys" and "The Rock" (which is still the best and most enjoyable Bruckheimer produced film).
Not surprisingly, though, the performances don't fare much better than the plot's realism. The assembled actors were predominantly cast more for their differing looks than their acting abilities (a common trait to other recent, and similarly based "team" movies) and the more significant ones that don't perish along the way deliver nothing more than stereotypical performances.
Bruce Willis (star of the "Die Hard" movies) is as appealing as usual in his action hero role (meaning he's larger than life, but resides in a tough, blue collar persona), but not quite as much fun as his similarly constructed John McClane character (maybe this should have been "Die Hard 4: Die! Rock! Die!")
Steve Buscemi ("Fargo") is probably the most fun of all the characters to watch (playing the squirrelly and sarcastic crew member), but he's not doing anything much different than what we've seen from him in previous roles. Peter Stormare ("Fargo") is also enjoyable as the weary and wayward cosmonaut, while Billy Bob Thornton ("Sling Blade") is good, but not outstanding as the NASA director (a role that will never be better than what Ed Harris cemented in "Apollo 13"). Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler round out the big names and are present mainly to look handsome and pretty (which they easily accomplish), but they're completely underused.
The strained thespian abilities are most evident in any of the moments that are supposed to be heartfelt and/or sentimental. Had they not been so dramatically manipulative (and the polar opposite of the similarly forced action scenes), such scenes may have worked, but they're so poorly executed and unmoving that some preview audiences have erupted into laughter during them.
Of course, such moments are really present only to give us a breather between the action set pieces and the spectacularly outrageous special effects that often accompany them. Continually delivering the "bang" that "Deep Impact" held back until the very end, the scenes and effects here are far more impressive. They also showcase New York City being pummeled once again -- the third time this summer after "Impact" and "Godzilla."
This film's $100 million plus budget is clearly evident up on the screen, and Bruckheimer and Bay certainly got their money's worth from cinematographer John Schwartzman ("The Rock") and editor Glen Scantlebury ("Con Air") as the camera's almost always in motion and the cuts are fast and furious. Less effective are the many music video moments that appear early in the film, and when a tune by Aerosmith starts playing (while Affleck and Tyler commingle), I kept expecting Alicia Silverstone (an Aerosmith video regular from several years back) to show up and join them at any moment.
The big question on everyone's minds, however, concerns how the film compares to "Deep Impact" and whether that first horse out of the gate will dampen this one's box office potential. While both films have extremely similar general plots, "Impact" is more exacerbated buildup, while "Armageddon" gets down to business right from the start and offers more action scenes and spectacular special effects. Since that seems to be the "magic" ingredient in successful, big budget summer films, this one should fare better -- despite it making "Impact" seem like a model of realistic reaction to the world's impending doom.
The old tag line for the original "Alien" movie stated that "In space, no one can hear you scream." That's true, of course, unless you forgot to turn your brain off before seeing this movie -- in which case the cerebral pain may be so unbearable that you'll wish you had visited the lobotomy shop beforehand. Dumber than "Deep Impact," but much more visually entertaining, we give "Armageddon" a 4 out of 10 simply for occasionally hitting on all cylinders of nothing but pure, big screen summer testosterone.