In something best described as "Dracula" meets "The Wild Bunch," legendary horror director John Carpenter demonstrates that he fully knows how to spill blood, but beyond that, only manages further to prove that his talent for making genuinely scary films has all but evaporated.
An odd, westernized and campy retreading of the tired vampire genre, the only thing this film has going for it is a fun, over the top performance by James Woods as the head vampire killer. Other than that, there's nearly nothing here to recommend, unless you favor a successful exercise in the art of blood and carnage.
Once upon a time in Hollywood, Carpenter was the cinematic prodigy who singlehandedly resurrected the horror genre with truly scary films such as the original "Halloween" and "The Fog." Although he went on to direct crossover hits such as "Escape from New York" and "Starman," his later attempts at horror -- "Christine," "Village of the Damned" -- and other genres -- "They Live," "Escape from L.A. -- were misfiring duds. One can now add "Vampires" to that list.
Perfectly timed to benefit from its Halloween weekend opening, the film is decidedly more trick than treat. As such, I can only hope that Carpenter wasn't trying to make a scary horror film with this release. Playing more like an extended version of the second half of Robert Rodriguez's "From Dusk Till Dawn," but without the extreme outrageousness that sent that film into full- fledged, but terrifically fun camp, this film never manages to succeed on any level.
While it best approaches true camp, the film never goes far enough in that direction. Thus, without many genuine frightening moments, Carpenter's picture is nothing more than an excuse to test the talents of his blood and gore wranglers who, whether for good or not, do completely succeed at their chosen tasks.
As written by Don Jakoby ("Double Team," "Invaders From Mars") and adapted from the novel, "Vampire$" by author John Steakley, the film follows a threadbare plot and jettisons most of the "traditional" vampire lore, such as the use of crosses or garlic to repel visits from the undead. Of course, a good ol' wooden stake through the heart still does the trick, as does a strong dose of sunlight.
Sticking with the westernized theme running throughout the film, Carpenter makes good use of the latter as the vampire killers have a thing for stringing up the vampires and then dragging them out into the sunlight like any good cowboy would do, except they use motorized versus equine transportation for such matters. One of the film's few good moments, an early scene where Jack's crew pulls the bloodsuckers, one by one, to their sunburnt deaths, is morbidly funny.
As is James Woods' take on his vampire hating character. Although his performance clearly won't win any accolades from those propounding political correctness, Woods obviously had a fun time playing this character and is reminiscent of another former big star, Jon Voight, who likewise played an over the top character in the film "Anaconda." Fully hamming it up as the no nonsense and increasingly begrimed protagonist, Woods ("Contact," "Ghosts of Mississippi") is a delight to watch.
Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the rest of the cast. Daniel Baldwin (TV's "Homicide: Life on the Streets," "Trees Lounge"), as Woods' partner, is about as stiff as all of the bodies littered throughout the production, but to his credit didn't have much of a chance since his character is so pallidly drawn.
As the lead vampire, Thomas Ian Griffith ("The Karate Kid III," "Kull the Conqueror") isn't given much to do other than glide around in his long overcoat and look menacing, while Sheryl Lee (TV's "Twin Peaks" and "L.A. Doctors") will no doubt delight teen males with her nudity scene, but otherwise looks silly contorting and grimacing during her telepathic/possessed connection with the lead vampire.
Such silliness pretty much sums up the overall film. Despite a few decent jokes and Woods' hamming it up, the film's inability to fully attain true campiness causes the rest of the material to come off as trite or goofy.
While I suppose we're supposed to be frightened by the sight of Valek and other vampires "erupting" hands first from their subterranean graves, such scenes aren't any more frightening than similar moments in say, Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video (and are missing that toe-tapping beat).
The film also suffers from lapses of logic (which usually aren't that strong to begin with in this genre). Although I understand from a tension-building standpoint why Jack and his team would enter a boarded up house in a similar manner to that of a covert military mission, why wouldn't they just use a bulldozer to flatten the abode, thus more efficiently and effectively exposing the bloodsuckers to sunlight without all of the other risk?
Likewise, it seems odd that near the film's end the men would still have their handguns drawn to battle Valek (in true western style) when they're already learned countless times that even a heavy volley of machine gun fire won't do the trick.
Then there's the whole goofy and contrived bit about the telepathic connection between Valek and Katrina. As stupid as that is, Jack doesn't even think until the end that such a connection is probably two-way and that Valek can probably see and hear what Katrina, and thus Jack and Tony, are plotting.
Such matters are obviously trivial in a film that doesn't succeed on any level, and they only further prove that this film won't be winning any critical awards. While I understand that's clearly not the intended point, the film completely fails at what it's presumably trying to achieve, and that's eliciting genuine scary moments.
If not for Woods' performance, this would be a complete disaster and even greater waste of time. As such, and despite the vampire related behavior, the loudest sucking sound you'll hear during this picture will be coming from your emptied wallet and lack of better sense for seeing this movie in the first place. Making us long even more for the days when Carpenter knew how to direct a spooky picture, we give "John Carpenter's Vampires" just a 2.5 out of 10.
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