It's not often that one wishes that the villains in a movie would succeed and finally "take out" the protagonists, but that's the case in Columbia Pictures release of "Gloria." While not politically or morally correct, such an action would at least put the audience out of its misery of having to sit through this travesty that feels about one hundred times longer than its nearly two-hour run time.
A remake of the 1980 John Cassavetes film of the same name (which featured Gena Rowlands in the Oscar nominated title role), this is a mind-numbingly bad picture with wooden acting, horrible writing, and a pace that would embarrass even the slowest tortoise. Although the year is still quite young, this one already gets our vote for being one of the worst films of 1999.
Of course every year many bad films are released -- and this time of year seems to be the popular "dumping ground" for them -- but the biggest surprise/disappointment about this one is that it's directed by Sidney Lumet. Recipient of four Best Director Oscar nominations (for "12 Angry Men," "Dog Day Afternoon," "Network" and "The Verdict"), Lumet has had some misfires as well, but none that are as irksome as this one.
Something of a mishandled mix of elements from the original film as well as subsequent entries such as "Witness," "The Client" and even the not quite as awful "Bogus," we're presumably supposed to get the "aw-shucks" feeling upon seeing Gloria's tough-as-nails exterior melt away as her motherly instincts kick in and she falls for this cute little kid.
While that worked in "The Client" and even "Aliens" with Sigourney Weaver's tough character immediately becoming maternal for the little girl Newt, it just doesn't work here. Instead, it comes off so artificially forced and unrealistic that you keep hoping the bad guys will eventually catch and separate the two of them so that we don't have to endure any more of the strained material.
Saddled with that half of the film that doesn't come close to working on any level, one would hope -- or expect -- that the other half about the gangsters chasing after the woman and little boy would at least be somewhat exciting, suspenseful, or even dramatic.
Yet it miserably fails those first two qualifiers and barely registers in the third. Case in point, there's an obligatory car chase scene that has to be the lamest variation of that overused cinematic element that I've probably ever witnessed on film.
Now I wasn't expecting the film to be some grandiose action flick, but I was certainly hoping it would work on some level (other than severely grating on one's nerves). Unfortunately it simply doesn't, and the audience is thus left with a lackluster production that limps and plods along to its uneventful conclusion (that's followed by a near unbearable and excruciatingly long denouement). In case you've fallen asleep by then or have already left the theater -- two extremely likely scenarios -- the film -- not surprisingly -- ends on a heavily predictable note.
The quality of the acting performances isn't much better than the rest of the film. Sharon Stone, who came to mass attention with "Basic Instinct" and received an Oscar nomination for her work in "Casino," tries to do the gangster moll with the Brooklyn accent bit, but simply can't pull it off. Burdened by hackneyed dialogue (not to mention that accent) and having nothing to do but looked upset or unrealistically worried about the little boy, this performance certainly won't do much to appease Stone's already fervent detractors.
While it's not nice to dump on a little kid's performance, Jean-Luke Figueroa couldn't act himself out of a corner, and without some much needed precociousness, his character comes off as irritating and barely sympathetic. I'm assuming that's somewhat intentional -- so that he's a constant thorn in Gloria's side -- but it certainly doesn't endear him to us and simply gives the film another notch in the "things that went wrong" list.
Meanwhile, Jeremy Northam, who was good in the Gwyneth Paltrow vehicle "Emma," can't do much with his stereotypically slick criminal character here, and decent performers such as George C. Scott ("Patton"), Cathy Moriarty ("Raging Bull") and Bonnie Bedelia ("Die Hard") probably hope this picture -- and anyone's memory of them being in it -- quickly fades into oblivion.
With a plot that features little proactive motivation on the part of the protagonists and thus consequently has them meandering from one set piece to another, the film comes off as dull, listless and without any sort of emotional, let alone other positive sensory reaction. Had the film been laughably bad, at least there would have been that "redeeming" quality, but alas, that's not even the case.
When a character makes a comment midway through the movie stating that children shouldn't be exposed to Gloria (the character, which makes Stone ask if she's the mumps -- a good example of the film's failed attempts at humor), we found that to be good, sound advice regarding the film overall for moviegoers of any age.
If you cherish your sanity and the safety of your brain cells, no matter what you do, don't allow yourself to be lured into seeing this picture, lest you expose yourself to what might prove to be the longest two hours of your life. Not surprisingly, we give "Gloria" -- a film that Columbia didn't dare screen for the reviewers despite the talent involved -- a 0 out of 10.