I've personally been interested in -- okay, perhaps obsessed with -- alligators and their reptilian brethren -- crocodiles and caimans -- ever since I was a kid. My parents had a small ashtray with a stuffed baby gator wrapped around it -- courtesy of a trip to the sunshine state in the late '50s -- and I was always fascinated by this scaly creature with its sharp claws and teeth.
Apparently, others have had the same reaction -- not to my parents' old ashtray, but to such creatures in general -- and have thus gone out and purchased juvenile versions of them. Of course, those cute little "babies" grow up into large and hungry creatures and when they're no longer welcomed in such homes, they either get dumped into a nearby pond or lake or given a trip through the local sewer system.
Such real-life stories occasionally hit the news, and while the creatures never survive the winters outside their tropical or semitropical homelands, they clearly caught the eye of Hollywood producers in the past who wished to make a quick buck with the old "There's a monster hiding in the water over there" plot. As such, we got 1980's "Alligator" (penned by independent filmmaker John Sayles) and its inevitable sequel.
All of which leads us to 20th Century Fox's release of "Lake Placid." While it has absolutely nothing to do with the New York resort that hosted the 1932 and 1980 Winter Olympics, one can easily trace the film's origins back to "creature features" such as "The Creature From the Black Lagoon," "Jaws" and a myriad of films that subsequently followed and tried to emulate Bruce the shark and his summer box office blockbuster success. Not surprisingly, this picture doesn't stray far from that film's successful formula.
Of course many such efforts have been poorly made bombs in the past (such as 1977's "Tentacles"), but the first thing people may note about this one is that it was penned by David E. Kelley, the writer/producer of the popular and quirky TV lawyer series, "Ally McBeal" and "The Practice."
Considering the critical acclaim that's followed those shows -- and not even thinking about when Kelley possibly could have scraped up enough time to write this screenplay considering his current work schedule -- one presumably wouldn't be stretching things too much by assuming that this effort should thus be an above par production.
Well, to keep with the theme and parlance of Kelley's legal shows, the jury has returned with its verdict and finds that the film is guilty. Guilty of offering recycled thrills that are neither scary nor particularly campy enough to succeed in either genre, and for having enough illogical behavior and outright stupidity to fill several slasher horror flicks.
Of course, that shouldn't come as a great surprise to anyone who's noticed that the film is directed by Steve Miner. One of the creators of the "Friday the 13th" franchise who directed the second and third installments of it and last helmed "Halloween: H20," the latest version of that horror series similarly known for being inhabited by quite stupid people.
While one could view the incidents of people being attacked, chased and/or killed (because of their illogical behavior) as nature simply weeding out the stupid, today's audiences are too sophisticated to buy into such behavior.
Even if moviegoers can accept that the world's biggest crocodile, and a foreign breed at that, could swim across the ocean and then take up residence and thrive in the icy cold water of Maine for several years -- and that's a big, no, a gargantuan "even if" -- one simply can't accept the sheer stupidity in which the characters here act.
Having already witnessed attacks of people in the water and the taking of a large bear from the shoreline, what do the characters here do? They go back into the water, of course, when not spending inordinate amounts of time standing within feet or even inches of the lakeshore. Of course, this comes from the pen/keyboard of a writer who favors gymnastic dismounts from a unisex bathroom stall, so perhaps we shouldn't be quite so surprised.
Whatever the case, these people must be genetically related to those who appear in horror films and always split up (telling the others to "Wait here") or walk around dark places without turning on the lights.
Here, the creepy basements and attics have been replaced by standing at the shore, landing a helicopter on the lake, or even scuba diving down into it. While such moments do provide for a few mildly suspenseful moments, the telegraph operator -- I'm sorry, the director -- never stops from clearly letting us know what's going to happen next.
Consequently, the film is never truly scary along the lines of a picture like "Jaws," although it lifts several scenes from it. After seeing a victim attacked from underwater and then yanked along the surface & a boat being pulled backwards through the lake, I kept waiting for someone to say "You're gonna need a bigger boat" (which they really did), but thankfully that classic line from "Jaws" was left alone.
Nor is it fun and campy like "Tremors," the 1990 film that featured desert burrowing creatures that kept most of its cast on top of rocks, vehicles and buildings. Far more suspenseful than this film -- simply due to turning the genre on its head (the barely seen beast in the water was replaced by many in the sand) -- that film was clearly nothing more than pure camp. It was, however, extremely effective in maintaining that tone and was nothing short of a blast to watch.
Despite the presence of "Golden Girls" Betty White as a crazy lake resident who swears like a sailor, the film never successfully hits its camp stride. Granted, it does have some moments, including the graphic, but comic book style gore, a new meaning to "don't feed the wildlife" and some appropriately over-the-top performances. Unfortunately, none of them ever go far enough to truly be crowd pleasers, let alone make one forget the stupidly drawn plot elements.
For instance, a few minor script changes would have alleviated any such problem. For one, there's no need for the story to take place in Maine, let alone involve an Asian crocodile that apparently swam across the ocean and then -- what, hiked across America or perhaps used the Panama Canal -- to get there? The setting could have been a remote lake even as far north as North Carolina (where alligators do really live).
Even if the locale had to stay in Maine for some reason, Kelley easily could have included something to the effect of Betty White's husband being a genetic researcher (thus the large croc) who purposefully picked that remote Maine lake for its isolation as well as perhaps a warm spring that constantly fed and kept it warm enough to support such a reptile. They also could have built a winter retreat for it.
While some may complain that this is nitpicking a film that isn't meant to be taken seriously, such idiocy violates the old "suspension of disbelief" rule. Yes, we can accept a giant crocodile -- heck, it could be sixty feet long for all we care.
After all, the dinosaurs in "Jurassic Park" were easy to accept. However, certain rules in a film's universe have to either be explained or remain constant with ours for us to accept what occurs. Since this film offers no amendments to our known rules, the incongruity is striking and the film consequently suffers from that.
Where the film does succeed is in Kelly's characters and their dialogue. Like most of his work, this picture is filled with opinionated, idiosyncratic characters who verbally spar with others, especially to offer a quick sarcastic remark and/or when under duress. The effect is mostly enjoyable, but there is one problem with it.
The character played by Bridget Fonda ("A Simple Plan," "It Could Happen to You") is so similar to Calista Flockhart's quirky titular one in TV's "Ally McBeal" in the way in which she speaks and acts, that you half expect the rest of Ally's law firm to show up offering legal protection for the harassed crocodile.
Bill Pullman ("Zero Effect," "Lost Highway"), who often plays somewhat off-center characters, does so again here, but delivers a mostly flat performance, although much of that is directly related to the way his character is underwritten. Better performances come from Brendan Gleeson ("The General," "I Went Down") as the twinky-eating local sheriff and Oliver Platt ("Simon Birch," "Bulworth") as the eccentric croc worshiper.
While the latter's presumably somewhat modeled after Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, it would have been fun had such a brazen and risk-taking "expert" been brought in and then nabbed and eaten in his first encounter with the beast.
That's ultimately an example of where the picture goes wrong. Instead of going for full-tilt campiness, Miner and company continually repeat the stupid horror material that just makes the film and its characters look bad. The fact that the characters continually stood around the edge of the lake -- and even camped there -- didn't make me nervous like a good horror film should. Instead, it infuriated me that the filmmakers were too lazy to make better choices for their characters or what's become a far more savvy and less gullible audience.
Finally, to add insult to injury, the entire ending where everyone suddenly develops a conscience when not plotting the dumbest way to lure in the crocodile -- especially after they've seen how a little old lady does it all of the time -- is nothing short of ludicrous and insulting to the audience.
Although the film offers a few decent sequences and some fun crocodile effects -- courtesy of special effects guru Stan Winston -- most of it's nothing short of a letdown. Not as imaginatively campy as "Tremors" and certainly far from as suspenseful or unnerving as "Jaws," this film will probably last in theaters as long as a real crocodile would in a real Maine lake. As such, we give "Lake Placid" a 3.5 out of 10.
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