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(About Our Ads) "WITLESS PROTECTION" (2008) (Larry the Cable Guy, Ivana Milicevic) (PG-13) Alcohol/ Drugs Blood/Gore Disrespectful/ Bad Attitude Frightening/ Tense Scenes Guns/ Weapons Moderate Moderate Extreme Minor Heavy Imitative Behavior Jump Scenes Music (Scary/Tense) Music (Inappropriate) Profanity Heavy None Minor Mild Heavy Sex/ Nudity Smoking Tense Family Scenes Topics To Talk About Violence Heavy Moderate None Mild *Heavy QUICK TAKE: Comedy: Believing she's in trouble, a small town deputy rescues a woman from a group of men, unaware that she's a witness to a crime and they're FBI agents assigned to protect her. PLOT: Larry Stalder (LARRY THE CABLE GUY) is a small-town deputy who enjoys hanging out with his buddies and waitress girlfriend, Connie (JENNY McCARTHY). Yet, he dreams of becoming something bigger and better in the law enforcement arena, such as a full-fledged FBI agent. He thinks he might have the chance to prove his worth when some dark-suited men, led by Alonzo Mosely (YAPHET KOTTO), enter the local diner escorting the none-too-happy Madeleine (IVANA MILICEVIC). Working from a gut feeling that they're not really FBI agents, Larry takes it upon himself to rescue her from them, but does so by kidnapping her. In reality, she's a witness set to testify in Chicago against her former boss, the wealthy Arthur Grimsley (PETER STORMARE). It seems she has the key to some incriminating evidence, and he's none too happy about that. Accordingly, he has his tenacious head of security, Wilford Duvall (ERIC ROBERTS), out looking for her, a task shared by Mosely and his three agents who similarly want to find her. Thinking he's doing the right thing and trying to get to the bottom of what's occurring, Larry keeps Madeleine as his rescued hostage, with their decidedly different lifestyles, demeanor and more constantly clashing along the way. WILL KIDS WANT TO SEE IT? If they're fans of Larry the Cable Guy or stupid comedies, they might. WHY THE MPAA RATED IT: PG-13 For crude and sex-related humor. CAST AS ROLE MODELS: LARRY THE CABLE GUY plays a small town deputy who's always wanted to advance in his law enforcement career, hopefully involving the FBI. Sensing something wrong with Grimsley and his team, Larry kidnaps Madeleine in the belief that he's rescuing her. Crude and rude but bighearted, he's prone to malapropisms, and uses profanity. IVANA MILICEVIC plays the smart woman he kidnaps in order to rescue her from what he thinks are bad or fake FBI agents. She clashes with Larry and their differences in class and culture, apparently had a romantic/sexual past with Grimsley, and uses some profanity. YAPHET KOTTO plays an FBI agent who's transporting Madeleine to the court case and isn't happy when Larry interrupts that and his ulterior plan for her. He uses some profanity. JENNY McCARTHY plays Larry's girlfriend who's prone to wearing skimpy/revealing outfits and wants him around for sexual purposes. PETER STORMARE plays a rich corporate man who wants his former lover, Madeleine, and the information she has that the feds are going to use against him in a court case. He drinks some. ERIC ROBERTS plays the head of security for Grimsley who's ordered to find and take care of Madeleine and Larry (and he fights with the latter). CAST, CREW, & TECHNICAL INFO HOW OTHERS RATED THIS MOVIE Curious if this title is entertaining, any good, and/or has any artistic merit? Then read OUR TAKE of this film. (Note: The "Our Take" review of this title examines the film's artistic merits and does not take into account any of the possibly objectionable material listed below). OUR WORD TO PARENTS: The following is a brief summary of the content found in this PG-13 rated comedy. Profanity consists of at least 1 muffled "f" word, while 8 "s" words, other expletives, and many colorful phrases are also uttered. All sorts of sexually related dialogue and humor are present, a man is seen standing nude with just a baseball cap covering his crotch, and women are seen in revealing attire. Comedy-based violence includes various fights (punches, kicks and such) and slapstick material, and a truck is purposefully blown up to fake a death, while there's a lot of gun pointing, and brief shooting at others. The film's villains (corporate men, bad FBI agents, etc.) obviously have bad attitudes, while various comedy bits (such as making fun of a foreigner, such ethnic names, ties to terrorism) found in the film might rub some viewers the wrong way. Some drinking and smoking (as well as one use of snuff) occur, as does other potentially imitative behavior. Various comedy bits involve crude humor, including but not limited to human and animal excrement (and people getting that on them), fart jokes, and a scene featuring projectile vomiting. If you're still concerned about the film and its appropriateness for yourself or anyone else in your home who may be interested in seeing it, we suggest that you take a closer look at our detailed listings for more specific information regarding the film's content. ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE Larry says that only drug dealers and smugglers drive black Suburbans. Larry offers Madeleine some cheap wine, with her turning down what she calls "Chateau screw-cap 08," but he guzzles down some. Grimsley has a drink. Grimsley has a drink and hands one to another man, but orders that man away, so he doesn't have any. A woman at a polo match states she needs a drink. People have drinks at a party. BLOOD/GORE Larry comments about a person dropping a deuce (defecating) in the diner bathroom, while Larry's friend makes some joke about a butt crack. We hear a farting sound as Larry drives Madeleine in his truck. She wonders if he's going to excuse himself, but he says it wasn't him, and that if it was, it would show up on Doppler radar. We then hear a farting sound again, with him then pulling his rubber mallard caller from under her (it was acting like a whoopee cushion). Larry holds a small snake (that frightens/unnerves Madeleine) and when he says it's harmless, it strikes and latches onto his nose -- leaving a little blood there. An agent apparently sits in pig excrement in the driver's seat of their SUV (we hear the sound and see his reaction). To pretend that they're married while checking into a motel, Larry comments on Madeleine needing to use the bathroom and about women having small bladders. When they finally get into their room, Madeleine states that she does have to pee. Larry asks if Madeleine is trying to make him "blow chunks" (vomit). Having accidentally swallowed the key to their handcuffs, Larry has Madeleine play him her music, hoping it will make him vomit. He sounds like he's going to, but when that doesn't work, he downs some of her health drink. He then projectile vomits from that (done to exaggerated comedic effect) and then runs his fingers through that on the ground, trying to find the key. We see Larry standing fully nude in an airport safety inspection area, holding his baseball cap over his crotch (we see bare hips, while those behind him can see everything). Everyone there reacts in disgust at something in or around his butt area (with one female guard rushing out like she's going to vomit). One then dons a glove, slathers that up with lube, and says he's going to do a full body cavity search. Larry says he shouldn't, but the man does and we then hear a loud and wet fart sound, with everyone being grossed out (we don't see the impact on that guard). One of Larry's friends lights his own fart (with a brief resultant burst of flame). After Wilford pulls a gun on Larry, the latter farts, sheepishly adding, "That was a fear fart." Madeleine talks about "skid marks" in reference to Larry. We hear the sound of a lot of water running upstairs, with Larry's brother-in-law stating that's his (the brother-in-law's) wife taking a pee. Grimsley comments, "And monkeys throw sh*t at the zoo." Larry pushes Madeleine off the side of a bridge and then jumps after her, with both landing in a freighter for a free ride into the city (they may land in dry manure). Larry has mud and/or horse excrement on the front of his shirt after landing in that during a polo match. Larry elbows Grimsley off his ride during a polo match, with the latter falling face-first into a pile of fresh horse dung. After we hear some intestinal sounds, Larry asks Grimsley if he has a "crapper" as he has to go "pinch off" something. Larry then leaves, but that talk seems to have been just a decoy. Larry tells Wilford that he's going to shove the latter's Blackberry up where it's going to be a "brown berry." Larry has some bruises on his face following a fight with Wilford. DISRESPECTFUL/BAD ATTITUDE Larry encounters an old man who holds his rifle on him and is prepared to shoot his own horse (that doesn't happen). When Larry discovers the reason for the horse always bucking the old man (not seen -- and it's burrs under the saddle), Larry calls him a "big retard." Following Larry's order to keep the FBI agents preoccupied, a mechanic prick's their vehicle's fuel line. Without knowing the truth or details, Larry "rescues" Madeleine by kidnapping her, grabbing and putting her in his truck that he uses to elude the FBI agents. Grimsley, his henchman Duvall, and Agent Mosely all have bad attitudes for breaking the law and much more. Some viewers might not like it when Madeleine responds to Larry saying he's rescuing her from evil, followed by her asking how, by impeaching (President) Bush? Some jokes are made on the part of the film in regards to Mosely being black, such as Connie asking if he wants his coffee black, and Larry commenting on something being "in spades" (but none of that is meant racially by those who say it, the film just plays that up, with Mosely looking irritated each time). Madeleine has a condescending and elitist attitude toward Larry and his intelligence (or lack thereof in her opinion). On several occasions, Larry has Madeleine gagged and bound/cuffed to prevent her from escaping. Encountering a foreign motel clerk, Larry makes all sorts of disparaging and terrorist related comments to him. After an airport guard brings a bomb-sniffing dog over to check out Larry's boots, the dog passes out from the smell, with Larry chiming in, "Way to go, Michael Vick" (some viewers might not like that reference to the former football player and his involvement in dog fighting). Larry says that something will be "faster than Angelina Jolie adopting jungle pygmies." Larry jokes about how big (fat) his sister is, saying she once wore a Goodyear t-shirt that prompted someone to "crawl up her ass" and try to fly her. Later, we hear massively heavy footsteps from her upstairs, as well as an exaggerated urination sound. After Madeleine punches him, Larry says that she hits "like a girl," but he then collapses to the floor. Larry and Mosely agree to a deal where the latter lets Larry go and the former lets Mosely steal money from Grimsley's safe without turning him in. Larry makes the comment, "I'm madder than a two-fingered cripple trying to return a text message." Some upper-class women have condescending attitudes toward Larry at a polo match. FRIGHTENING SCENES Scenes listed under "Violence" may be unsettling or suspenseful to the youngest of viewers and/or those with low tolerance levels for such material, but it's all played as silly/stupid comedy. For those afraid of them, Larry holds a small snake (that frightens/unnerves Madeleine) and when he says it's harmless, it strikes and latches onto his nose -- leaving a little blood there. Madeleine encounters a hissing possum in Larry's glove compartment in his truck (played for comedy, but ditto for the fear of animal explanation above). For those afraid of such things, we see a needle inserted into Madeleine's face (to give her a shot), while another is injected in her neck (as an antidote to that). Larry pushes Madeleine off the side of a bridge and then jumps after her, with both landing in a freighter for a free ride into the city (they may land in dry manure). GUNS/WEAPONS Handguns: Carried and/or used to threaten others. See "Violence" for details. Larry does all sorts of martial arts and other such moves (kicking and hitting things), imitating what he watches on a training tape that includes entering a room with a handgun drawn. The sheriff calls Larry to a scene, and we see the older man with his handgun drawn. Larry then enters the barn to encounter another old man who holds his rifle on Larry (but Larry quickly/easily talks him down). During a sped-up chase, we see agents running around, chasing Larry, and holding their handguns. Agents storm into Larry's place with their handguns drawn, only to encounter Connie aiming a shotgun at them. FBI agents aim their handguns at Larry, but he then threatens to and then does throw a hand grenade at them (which we know is fake). Mosely and his agents aim handguns at Larry who aims his handgun back at Mosely. IMITATIVE BEHAVIOR Phrases: A muffled "F*ck you," "Then again, who gives a sh*t?" "Oh sh*t," "Bullsh*t," "Piece of sh*t," "And monkeys throw sh*t at the zoo," "You sack of sh*t," "I want to get some...help cleaning my garage," "Son of a Godless whore," "I'm trying to achieve a perfect ejaculation," "Scratch my nuts and call me Shorty," "Cooking the books and cuffing his pork" (or something close to that), "Nice beaver," "Roger is a British idiom for sexual intercourse," "My hand hasn't been that sore since the first season of Baywatch," "Born with a silver link in your who-ha," "I dream of getting a nut-rub from Scarlett Johansson," "You trying to diddle my cousin?" "I guess you wouldn't fall into a barrel of t*tties and come out sucking your thumb," "Let's go do some good," "Put the damn gun down," "Oh, for Pete's sake," "You big retard," "Where the hell were you?" "Hotter than an electric rod on a pig's ass" (or something close to that), "Babe," "Shut up," "Are you insane?" (followed by "No, I'm Larry"), "You cretin," "Frickin' evil bastards," "What the hell /is going on/are you doing here?" "Sum-bitches," "Racialistic," "Guess again, long-shanks," "I didn't think it was possible...to be dumber than you look," "This ain't Abu-grub," "That chaps my ass," "Those things would ride up my crack," "You crazy son of a bitch," "Dirtier than Larry Flynt's diary," "Kiss my black ass" (written), "Slim-Jim," "You're quicker than a mule getting a nut-kick," "Pissing me off you are," "Simpleton," "Chateau screw-cap 08," "Stop trying to be romantic, Shrek," "Blow chunks," "Nuts" (testicles), what sounded like "Allergy douche," "Where the hell is it?" "Snotty," "Way to go, Michael Vick," "Dagnabit," "Faster than Angelina Jolie adopting jungle pygmies," "You smell like my childhood," "I'm going to kill you, Agent Orange," "That was a fear fart," "Hell if I know," "This sucks," "Heartless bastards," "He's nuts," "You hit like a girl," "Crapper" (toilet), "I'm gonna shove that Blackberry up where it's gonna be a brown berry," "Go to hell," "Oh damn" and "I'm madder than a two-fingered cripple trying to return a text message." Some kids might be enticed to imitate Larry's constant bungling of words and phrases (thus intending one thing, but saying something else, all played for comedy on the part of the film). Larry does all sorts of martial arts and other such moves (kicking and hitting things), imitating what he watches on a training tape that includes entering a room with a handgun drawn. Larry gives "the finger" to a homemade training device that's defeated him. Connie has an arm tattoo. Larry changes his shirt while driving (we see him shirtless) without pulling over, thus causing him to drift out of his lane while the shirt's stuck over his head. Larry places a corncob in the tailpipe of the agents' SUV, which makes the vehicle sputter and later spurt out popcorn. To pretend that they're married while checking into a motel, Larry playfully slaps Madeleine on her clothed butt. Larry belches on several occasions. One of Larry's friends lights his own fart (with a brief resultant burst of flame). We see miscellaneous graffiti. We see miscellaneous tattoos. To make it appear that Madeleine died in an explosion, Larry turns on the nitrous in his truck, lights some firecrackers as a fuse, and then rushes off with Madeleine as the truck explodes. Larry pushes Madeleine off the side of a bridge and then jumps after her, with both landing in a freighter for a free ride into the city (they may land in dry manure). After winning at polo, Larry does a celebratory pelvic and big belly thrust. JUMP SCENES None. MUSIC (SCARY/TENSE) Some playfully arranged, suspenseful music plays in several scenes. MUSIC (INAPPROPRIATE) A song repeats the line, "Shake that ass for a $20 bill." PROFANITY At least 1 muffled "f" word, 8 "s" words, 7 slang terms for sex ("had," "get some," "tapping," "Roger" and "diddle"), 2 for female genitals ("beaver" and "who-ha"), 1 for male genitals ("pork"), 3 for breasts ("t*tties," "boobs" and "jugs"), 10 asses, 7 hells, 6 damns, 2 S.O.B.s (and 2 more as "sum-bitch"), 1 crap, and 1 use each of "G-damn," "God-awful," "Jesus," "Oh God" and "Oh my God." SEX/NUDITY A female mannequin shows a standard-issue bare breast. The sheriff calls Larry to a scene and informs him that a man has a hostage named Buttercup, who's either his girlfriend or horse. Larry then jokes that when it comes to that man, they're the same thing. Connie wears a short skirt and a tied-up shirt at work, exposing her bare midriff and her pierced navel. After Larry's friend makes some incestuous joke about Larry's prior behavior on the Internet, a suggestive comment is made about the pierced navel as well as her breasts, while she tells Larry that she gets off (from work) in an hour. He then jokes that with some lube at home it will take him less time than that (a masturbation joke). Spotting Madeleine, Larry asks his friends if she isn't hotter than an electric rod on a "pig's ass." When Larry says he wants to make Connie proud (by his law enforcement work), she says she doesn't want to be proud, and instead wants "to get some." When she realizes everyone's looking at her, she continues that statement, "...help cleaning my garage." We briefly see the cover of "Big Busts" magazine (a close-up view of a woman's covered chest with some cleavage showing) that he finds in his truck and throws into the backseat. A man comments on a woman's "boobs" being real. Larry changes his shirt while driving (we see him shirtless) without pulling over, thus causing him to drift out of his lane while the shirt's stuck over his head. Meaning something else but bungling his phrase, Larry tells Madeleine (while rescuing her) that he's trying to achieve a perfect ejaculation. Rescuing Madeleine from the FBI agents, Larry picks her up over his shoulder and then tickles her to get her into his truck, remarking, in a surprised tone, that her breasts are real. Later, when he makes a hard turn, her head ends up at his clothed crotch, with him joking that if he wanted her to play with his shifter (meaning his penis), he would have asked her. Madeleine shows varying amounts of cleavage in various outfits. Larry comments on Madeleine's tight "ass," and puts his hand under it to remove a rubber mallard caller. Larry comments, "Scratch my nuts and call me Shorty." Larry equates knowing the roads as good as the hair pimples on his girlfriend's "front butt" (presumably meaning her mons pubis). Larry mentions Grimsley "Cooking the books and cuffing his pork" (or something close to that, with the latter referring to Madeleine). Larry comments on something being dirtier than Larry Flynt's diary. Agents storm into Larry's place with their handguns drawn, only to encounter Connie aiming a shotgun at them. She's wearing a short skirt as well as a bikini or bra up top (that shows a lot of cleavage), and when Mosely says they're looking for Larry, she replies, "He ain't in my bra." Seeing her holding a small mammal, Mosely comments, "Nice beaver," with her replying, "Perhaps" (with the film's apparent joke being that word also serving as slang for female genitals). When Mosely says that Larry has Madeleine, Connie jealously asks if he has or "had" her (meaning sex). Several more uses of "had" as a sexual meaning are used by both of them. Larry calls Connie and then says something about the phone being tapped, with her jealously replying he better not be "tapping" anything (meaning sex with Madeleine). To pretend that they're married while checking into a motel, Larry playfully slaps Madeleine on her clothed butt. When the foreign clerk asks about a "Bed, King?" Larry says he doesn't know about that, but perhaps is a lower form of royalty in bed. Larry knocks on the bathroom door and playfully asks Madeleine if she's thinking about him in a pair of "shorty-shorts" (she isn't, as he has her gagged and cuffed there). With Larry having previously cuffed their hands together so that she couldn't escape while they were sleeping (in separate beds in the same motel room), Madeleine slowly tries to crawl around and then across him as he sleeps to get to the key. He then mumbles (presumably in his sleep) something about another woman and not knowing she had feelings for him. She then quietly says she does (impersonating the other woman), and that didn't she show him that last night, adding that a girl needs to rest. He then reveals that he's really been awake the entire time (both are clothed). A song repeats the line, "Shake that ass for a $20 bill." We see Larry standing fully nude in an airport safety inspection area, holding his baseball cap over his crotch (we see bare hips, while those behind him can see everything). When Larry mentions DOJ (Department of Justice), one of his friends thinks the last letter stands for "jugs" (breasts). A poster on the wall shows a woman in a swimsuit (including a bikini top that shows cleavage). Grimsley states that the term "Roger" is a British idiom for sexual intercourse. As a threat, Madeleine says she'll tell some rough looking guys that some attribute of theirs is an aphrodisiac for Larry. Madeleine complains that Larry smells like her childhood, with him asking, "Now who's getting romantic?" She then replies, "It's not a turn-on, remember?" After Wilford squeezes Larry's hand hard (to cause him pain), Larry says his hand hasn't hurt that much since the first season of "Baywatch" (a masturbation reference). Larry comments that Madeleine was born with a silver link in her "who-ha" (genitals). About polo, Larry says he should do okay with it, as he knows horses and he knows "balls" (a double entendre, on the part of the film, for testicles). When Madeleine says she'll go incognito to Grimsley's party, Larry misunderstands her and says she has to wear underwear. After winning at polo, Larry does a celebratory pelvic and big belly thrust. When someone else mentions their dream, Larry says his is getting a "nut-rub from Scarlett Johansson." When Mosely says that Madeleine looks familiar (while incognito), Wilford says she just has one of those "familiar asses." Larry equates something to a blow-up doll at a frat party. Larry asks Grimsley if he is "diddling my cousin" (referring to Madeleine who's incognito). Larry tells a male prosecutor "I guess you wouldn't fall into a barrel of t*tties and come out sucking your thumb." Connie and Larry do some passionate kissing while clothed and standing. SMOKING Madeleine smokes several times, while Larry's friend is twice seen with a cigar (lit and unlit), and Larry stuffs some snuff into his mouth. TENSE FAMILY SCENES None. TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT So-called redneck humor. The role of the FBI and its agents. VIOLENCE Most of the following is played for goofy comedy. Larry does all sorts of martial arts and other such moves, imitating what he watches on a training tape, and he hurts his foot kicking something, bangs his head on a barbell, and is repeatedly hit by attachments on a homemade device that spins around. A hoisted-up automobile engine falls and apparently hits a man's hand, causing him pain. Without knowing the truth or details, Larry "rescues" Madeleine by kidnapping her, grabbing and putting her in his truck that he uses to elude the FBI agents. A gunshot hits Larry's back truck window, followed by more gunshots from the FBI agents pursuing them. On several occasions, Larry has Madeleine gagged and bound/cuffed to prevent her from escaping. Madeleine knees Larry in the crotch or gut, doubling him over. FBI agents aim their handguns at Larry, but he then threatens to throw a hand grenade at them (which we know is fake). All but Mosely dive for cover, and he then backhands the local motel clerk to the ground, knocking him out. Guards grab and tackle Larry to the floor in an airport. Grimsley knocks another polo player from his horse and hits another with his mallet. Wilford squeezes Larry's hand hard (to cause him pain), punches him in the neck, and then pulls a gun on him. When Wilford's attention is diverted (by Madeleine accidentally backing over some approaching FBI agents), Larry punches him and flees. To make it appear that Madeleine died in an explosion, Larry turns on the nitrous in his truck, lights some firecrackers as a fuse, and then rushes off with Madeleine as the truck explodes. With Madeleine knocked out by a large dose of Botox (that renders her appearing to be dead), Larry pulls her upper body up in a casket, shakes her around, and then slaps/strikes her several times to prove to Grimsley and others that she's dead. When they leave and she's given the antidote and comes to, she punches Larry from the casket, flooring him. Grimsley elbows Larry off his horse in a polo match, and he or someone else later knocks him off again. Later, the two spar with polo mallets while on horseback, with Larry eventually elbowing Grimsley off his ride. Larry elbows Grimsley off his ride during a polo match, with the latter falling face-first into a pile of horse dung. Wilford beats up Larry, hitting him, stomping on his foot, having him in a headlock, and throwing him to a wall. They then exchange blows, ending with Larry repeatedly hitting Wilford on the head with a small statuette, knocking him out (all played for action-comedy). When Larry closes the door, we hear the sound of all sorts of antiquities falling and shattering on the floor. Grimsley holds Madeleine tight and close, causing her some pain. Reviewed February 22, 2008 / Posted February 22, 2008