Parents lose countless hours (heck, make that days, weeks, months and so on) of sleep worrying about their kids from birth through the pre-teen to adolescent years and beyond -- it's just the way bringing up children works. While each age range is fraught with its own set of potential perils, parents of teenage girls are always on the lookout for the one that's spanned the ages -- the bad boy infatuation.
While the female adolescent mind remains a mystery to all (even them), there's little doubt that falling for the guy mom and/or dad wouldn't approve of is simply an act of rebellion (which begs one to wonder if girls brought up by bad parents seek out good guys as their means of acting up). Of course, most such guys are simply going through a phase themselves and eventually end up conforming like most of the rest of us.
But what if such a guy really, truly was indeed bad? As in I cast no shadow/You can't see me in a mirror/I want to suck your blood bad? And with teenage love being more blind than most any other age, what's one to do when your girl completely falls head over heels for a vampire despite the age difference thing and accompanying perils of such a "mixed" relationship?
Such is the setup for "Twilight," a popular novel series penned by Stephenie Meyer where the introductory work has now been turned into a movie of the first name. While tween girls might just eat it up -- based on their innate or learned predilection for forbidden love, something a guy by the name of Shakespeare touched upon long ago in a little work by the name of "Romeo and Juliet" -- it's unlikely it will lure in most any other demographic (save for women who still have a jones for bad boys), especially once they get wind of just how bad it is.
And when I say bad, I mean it in a "Mystery Science Theater 3000" sort of way. From the purposefully overwrought teen angst, melodrama and soap opera trappings to a languid pace, mediocre to often bad direction, bland acting and a story and its elements that should have had a stake run through them due to being quite trite, the film is a chore to sit through, especially in its 120 or so minute incarnation.
While I understand it's part one of four (so far) installments, it feels like a pilot episode for a TV series, unhurried in establishing the characters and scenario and stretching itself to the limits to fill out its two-hour runtime. In fact, it might be the most boring vampire film to rise up from its cinematic coffin in years.
Speaking of that stereotype, Meyer and adapting screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg have played around with the usual genre and character trappings, jettisoning or modifying what they didn't like from the legend's conventions. Such changes, however, don't really do much for the proceedings, such as the aversion to sunlight not stemming from its deadly effect on the undead, but rather that it gives their skin something of an embarrassing shimmer and sparkle.
Alas, neither the writers nor director Catherine Hardwicke do anything interesting with that or, for that matter, anything else in the script (whereas Hardwicke tapped into teen-dom so much better in her 2003 debut, "Thirteen"). We've seen the vampire story countless times before, which also holds true for star-crossed young lovers, and even a combination thereof ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer," anyone?).
What's supposed to be the intriguing twist is that the main bloodsucker (that being newly crowned, dreamy heartthrob of the tween set, Robert Pattinson) must repress his thirst for human corpuscles in favor of his heart longing for the new girl at school ("Panic Room's" Kristen Stewart). Of course, he's already a self-proclaimed "vegetarian" (he and his extended family only drink the blood of animals to survive), so that shouldn't be so difficult, but he's now facing the literal and metaphorical predicament of necking.
Granted, since he's forever been stuck at the age of 17 (ever since being "saved" from the Spanish influenza of 1918) and thus keeps repeating high school (itself a purgatory not even a vampire must endure), one would think he's already dealt with this love vs. lunch issue many times before this tale begins.
Sadly, the two would-be lovers don't reveal their romantic pasts to each other, and instead awkwardly fumble about getting around to admitting they're in mad puppy dog love with each other in the sort of way that will make many a tween girl's heart swoon and go all aflutter (especially since Edward keeps trying to push Bella away as he knows he's no good for her, but she doesn't care, cuz, like, omigod, he's sooooo cute!).
Everyone else will need a defibrillator to keep theirs going mainly due to the deadly pacing, Hardwicke's bad directorial choices, and the decidedly low-budget and often cheesy special effects that end up being laugh-out-loud bad. Which pretty much accurately sums up the film and makes one long for "The Lost Boys," a far better look at teens and vamps, notwithstanding the presence of those two Coreys.
Even they would have been welcomed here to liven up the pace and cut through all of the tween-targeted melodrama and angst. Appropriately titled, "Twilight" is rather dim any way you cut (or bite) into it and thus rates as a 3 out of 10, mainly for being so bad it actually generates some unintentional laughs and brief moments of guilty pleasure.
![[Logo]](/images/screenit_logo2.jpg){kind=logo}
