"G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA" (2009) (Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans) (PG-13)
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NOTE:
The following is an unedited version of our final review that may contain spelling, grammatical, and/or factual errors. Paramount Pictures did not screen this film in advance for reviewers.
QUICK TAKE:
Action: An elite military squad tries to stop an arms supplier and his ruthless organization from unleashing chaos and destruction on the world via nanotechnology that eats through anything it touches or infects.
PLOT:
Coming from a long line of arms dealers, MARS Industries CEO James McCullen (CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON) has arranged to sell a number of warheads to NATO, but these aren't the normal military garden variety. Instead, they contain nanotechnology -- created by his own mad scientist, Rex Lewis (JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT) -- that once activated, will quickly eat through anything they come into contact with, be that military equipment or even entire cities.
Due to their volatility, they obviously need a military escort and get that from a team of U.S. Army rangers led by Duke (CHANNING TATUM) and Ripcord (MARLON WAYANS). Little do any of them know, however, that they're going to be attacked by forces working directly for McCullen, or that the likes of Ana DeCobray (SIENNA MILLER), ninja Storm Shadow (BYUNG-HUN LEE) and Zartan (ARNOLD VOSLOO) will outmatch them due to technologically advanced weaponry and a similarly equipped flying craft.
In fact, they probably would have lost the case of those four nanotechnology warheads to Ana's team if not for the rescue efforts of General Hawk (DENNIS QUAID) who's sent his G.I. Joe forces to fend off the villains. They're the best of the best of the various military forces, and it's not long before Duke and Ripcord are inducted into that elite force.
With the U.S. President (JONATHAN PRYCE) hoping they succeed, they take their place alongside other members of the team including the alluring but tough Scarlett (RACHEL NICHOLS), ninja Snake Eyes (RAY PARK) and technology expert Breaker (SAID TAGHMAOUI).
When McCullen's goons get their hands on the four warheads, it's up to Duke and the rest of the G.I. Joe specialist to prevent them from being deployed upon the world, a quest complicated by the fact that Duke and Ana once were romantically involved.
OUR TAKE: 3 out of 10
Our reviewing policy for films that aren't shown in advance to critics is that we'll only provide a paragraph or two about the film's artistic merits or, more accurately, lack thereof. After all, life is too short to spend any more effort than that on a movie that even the releasing studio knows isn't any good (which is why they hid it from reviewers before its release).
Back before the comics or TV cartoon, kids had to imbue their G.I. Joe action figures with made up personalities (notwithstanding those few that had pull-string activated voice boxes). Considering how plastic and artificial their movie counterparts are in "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra," one might need to revert to that old school form of imagination to make this bloated action flick more palatable.
Of course, director Stephen Sommers hasn't really been known for that of late, what with helming "Van Helsing" and the latest "The Mummy" pics. This one similarly sports a big budget (reportedly $175 million) and certainly throws all of that on the screen.
Yet, all of the busy mayhem in the world can't save this otherwise boring and increasingly redundant offering that could have used "Mummy" veteran Brendan Fraser (who appears in a brief cameo) as the lead rather than the wooden Channing Tatum. I meant plastic, which of course, I suppose is appropriate. "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" is all sound and onscreen fury, but nothing else, and certainly isn't fun or entertaining enough to warrant anything higher than a 3 out of 10.
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