When crime boss Lazlo Gogolak (KEVIN POLLAK) is released from prison and reunited with his son, Strabo (FRANK COLLISON), Oz's life quickly turns south again. The gangster's goons kidnap Cynthia and nearly kill Oz, sending him fleeing to Mexico where he hopes to get Jimmy's help in freeing his now pregnant wife. Yet, Jimmy has seemingly turned soft and seems distraught that he can't get Oz's former dental receptionist, Jill (AMANDA PEET), pregnant. She isn't happy with that or the fact that she isn't a very good contract killer.

Jimmy doesn't want to help Oz, but when Lazlo and his men arrive with their guns blazing, he, Jill and Oz quickly hit the road. After capturing Strabo, the threesome then sets out to arrange a hostage exchange with Lazlo, all while seemingly having something else up their sleeves at the same time.

A movie some quarter of a century later came along that had not just one yard in its title, but nine. That would obviously be the 2000 comedy, "The Whole Nine Yards" that had nothing to do with football, but instead focused on the comedic interaction between a steely mobster and a nervous Nelly layman. The result was an okay and moderately entertaining comedy that offered some laughs and featured a decent cast.

To no one's surprise, it spawned a sequel, but boy-oh-boy, what a difference a yard makes. Yes, "The Whole Ten Yards" is one too many. Heck, it's about ten too many as this forced and messy comedy is arguably the worst of the year.

Taking up where the first left off (but without any real connective exposition for those who missed the original film), the effort clearly doesn't go the whole nine yards in trying to generate comedy. Its many attempts at eliciting laughs fail in such a shocking and garish fashion that it's hard to fathom that this film is related to the first.

Yes, most of the characters from the first film -- at least those who survived -- return for this effort, but the problem lies squarely with the new filmmakers this time around. Simply put, the script penned by George Gallo ("Bad Boys II," "Grumpier Old Men") is about as lame and unfunny as you can imagine, while director Howard Deutch's ("The Replacements," "Grumpier Old Men") helming of said screenplay is a textbook example of how not to make a comedy. Yes, comedy lies in the eye of the beholder as you know funny stuff when you see it. Yet, unless one's extremely nearsighted in terms of humor, there's no way anyone's going to find any of this remotely funny.

Then again, maybe you'll laugh at the fart jokes, gay/homophobic humor, a mobster with such a speech and brain impediment that he switches his Y's with his J's and goofs up various popular sayings, and the latter repeatedly hitting his adult son on the head for, I guess, being dumb enough to have him as his father.

While there are exceptions to the rule, even the lamest and dumbest comedy will usually elicit a lone laugh or at least a chuckle from yours truly amidst the rest of the given cinematic train wreck. This one didn't even get that from me, and I wasn't alone as our screening audience sat in complete silence from start to finish, obviously in shock over the dismal offering we were watching.

From the basic underlying plot that drives the film forward to its various details and supposed comedic highlights, absolutely nothing about this comedy works (except the closing credits that thankfully tell viewers it's over, albeit about 90 some minutes too late). Even the editing is atrocious as the early parts of the film end up looking like a music video on speed. As far as the rest of the film, I can't say for sure, as the induced brain damage had already taken its toll.

All of which is too bad since the film sports a decent cast. Both Bruce Willis ("Tears of the Sun," the "Die Hard" films) and Matthew Perry ("Serving Sara," "Three To Tango") can be quite funny in the right role, as "Moonlighting" and "Friends" have proven time and again. Yet, having Willis' character go domestic (even wearing bunny slippers) and suffer through crying jags is embarrassingly bad, while Perry simply recycles his usual comedic stylings and slapstick material from the first time around.

Amanda Peet ("Something's Gotta Give," "Identity") and Natasha Henstridge ("Ghosts of Mars," "Bounce") are obviously present more for the eye candy factor than what they bring to the dance, and Kevin Pollack ("Deterrence," "The Usual Suspects") is annoying rather than amusing playing the speech-hampered mob boss. Frank Collison ("Hidalgo," "Hope Springs") is a new addition to the cast, but he's mainly present as a punching bag for Pollack's character.

With a better script, or at least one with a semblance of what occurred in the mediocre first film, the performers might have been able to get some laughs out of their characters, situations and various predicaments. Instead, they're left to flounder on their own and the resultant spectacle is bad, boring and embarrassing to watch. The supposed plot twists and ultimate goal are poorly constructed and offer nothing to entertain or engage the viewer, thus leaving the "payoff" at the end as flat and lame as everything that preceded it.

With the first film depositing the ball on the fifty-yard line in terms of viewer goodwill to this offering, the team can't advance it even just one yard, let alone make it into the cinematic end zone. Unless you're curious about how not to make a comedy, you should avoid this one at all costs. "The Whole Ten Yards" is 30 feet or 360 inches of pure cinematic torture. It rates as a 1 out of 10.